I never really thought I would suffer with Mum guilt.
In fact for the first year or so after my son was born, I don't think I ever felt it. It wasn't really until he turned 2 that I started to worry about things more. Silly things like:
Is he getting enough one to one attention (was I mad, of course he was!)
Would he be behind at school because I wasn’t taking him to enough baby classes?
It wasn’t really until I found out I was pregnant with twins that I actually really started to worry, and to be honest it was justified as especially in the early days, a large part of my time was spent seeing to the girls. But, did he suffer? Looking at him now I don’t think he did, but I still sometimes find myself upset and worried that in years to come he will look back at remember it and think he was being left out.
I do however, have major “MUM GUILT” when it comes to the twins.
Are they getting enough 1:1 attention like my son did?
Are they missing out on things like baby groups, because I don’t take them, for fear of not coping?
Will they always be competing against each other for my attention?
Seriously, the list is endless. I try not to think about it too much. But, some days it consumes me and then I over compensate for it, which in reality probably make it worse in the long term.
Main concerns
At the moment I am really struggling with my smallest Emilia. Her behaviour is totally different to the other two. Yet, I know if it wasn’t for the fact I have twins I probably wouldn’t even be concerned about it. I am getting to the stage where I really don’t know what to do with her from one day to the next. However, in my head MUM GUILT is taking over and I really shouldn’t let it. Is she different because of the way I treat her? Do I favour the other two over her? Am harder on her because she is acting up? It’s relentless and I can’t stop it.
But that’s the thing I can stop it. I shouldn’t let it control me. It’s a vicious circle and once your in it, it’s hard to get out.
The one thing I have huge mum guilt about is being a “shouty parent”, I can actually hear it in my head as its coming out yet I can’t help it! I am FORVER shouting, not necessarily at them, but sometimes its the only way I can be heard. I shout when they don’t eat their breakfast, I shout when they drop their drinks, I shout when they take the sofa cushions off (which is multiple times a day) I SHOUT ALL THE DAMN TIME!!! I know I do it too much because they then start shouting back at me! But,
The twins constantly fight. It’s over silly things and if Evelyn looks at Emilia the wrong way she has about 5 seconds to get the next plane out of here!! As the come back from Emilia will be catastrophic. My way of dealing with this is to shout, mainly at both of them. They don’t seem to understand anything thought as why would they, they are only 3. I just worry that I am failing them as a mum and that’s why they are fighting with each other? This causes serious mum guilt.
I have to get over it thought and let it go because the more I think about it, the worse it gets. It’s like being afraid of the dark. With any fear, it will raise its ugly head if you continuously think about it. So, for now I am going to relax a bit more, go with the flow and maybe let them take the lead (within reason). They are only young once and its time to start enjoying it.